That Wascally Wabbit

It was Super Bowl Sunday. I was comatose on the couch, resting up so I could have the stamina to watch the game. I had fallen into a deep commercial induced sleep, you know, the kind that happens after your hand cramps from channel surfing and finding nothing worth watching. I remember the remote sliding from my right hand. It was positioned on top of my right hip as I lay on my left side, kind of like a gunslinger would have his hand positioned for the fast draw. When I felt the remote slide my awareness ratcheted up a notch.

“Could a rabbit get in our dryer vent?” someone asked.

“Huh?” I replied, not fully understanding the question. I didn’t fully understand where I was or who was asking yet.

“Could a rabbit get in the dryer vent?” she repeated.

” I dunno.” I replied; buying time so my endomorphic overloaded brain could grasp what was being asked

.  “My dryer is getting hotter than normal and when I went outside to check the vent for lint there was something in it!”

For some unexplained reason I remembered her (my wife) asking the same question just the other day. I had assured her that in my expert opinion nothing as big as a rabbit could get in a dryer vent. In my mind I had checked the vent “just the other day” and the little louvers that were on the end were a suitable rabbit deterrent. Actually, it had been over a year since my last encounter with the vent and then it was still intact, except for the one louver that was missing. No big deal, right?

Our dryer vent consisted of a furnace duct type pipe four inched in diameter and about twelve feet in length. An elbow on the end hooked onto a flexible pipe that offset and connected onto another short piece of furnace pipe that went up through the floor. In the utility room the furnace pipe connected to the flex pipe that hooked to the dryer. Complicated I know, but necessary after a remodeling project that left the dryer in the middle of the house.

I finally awoke enough to realize my plans for the day were about to go out the window, or out the dryer vent! I dragged my body off the couch and went out to investigate. She had already taken a small aluminum pole and prodded the vent to see if there was a buildup of lint. That’s when she met with something a little more solid than lint! I got down to rabbit level and looked into the vent. Sure enough, there in the pipe was a little white bunny butt! Since there was snow on the ground and I was going to have to get down to bunny level I went in search of something to put down on the ground. I laid the cardboard that I had procured for the bunny retrieval down on the snow and plopped down belly first on it like I was on a sled run. The bunny was now about three feet into the tunnel. The cogs in my head started to turn ever so slowly. How was I going to get that rabbit out without crawling under the house with the spiders, or taking loose the dryer vent, or calling the humane society and enduring the humiliation of being bested by a rabbit! My Susie came to the rescue with a brilliant idea.  “Why don’t you get your Shop-Vac and suck it out.” She suggested.

That was a stroke of genius! I wouldn’t have to go under the house, I got to use a power tool, and I could get back to the serious business of Sunday afternoon siesta! I almost ran to get the shop vacuum. No rabbit was going to outsmart me on Super Bowl Sunday! I plugged it in, turned it on and stuck it in the vent. When I hit something solid I gently pulled on the pipe, slowly, a little at a time. As the vacuum tube cleared the vent I fully expected to see the rabbit stuck to the end. No such luck! I plopped down on my belly again and peered on the vent. Now the tail was over half way in the vent, and out of reach of the vacuum!

Well, If I couldn’t get the rabbit out by force maybe it would respond to chemical warfare. I went inside and unhooked the vent at the dryer. I grabbed the bleach bottle and put a small amount in the vent, hooked up the pipe and turned on the dryer. You’ve just got to be smarter than the average rabbit! I went outside to watch for the reverse rabbit removal to work! I waited, and waited, and waited, still nothing. Maybe it had escaped before I could get outside. Again I plopped on my belly in front of the hole. To my surprise it was still in the pipe. This was getting personal! I was now Elmer Fudd and that “wascally wabbit” was Bugs Bunny! The Warner Brothers cartoon characters that had occupied many of my childhood afternoons. I liked Bugs but I IDENTIFIED with Elmer. I secretly rooted for Elmer to get the best of Bugs just once! I didn’t want bloodshed, just some poetic justice, but Bugs always won. I was beginning to doubt the outcome of this cartoon! I knew I was going to have to go under with the spiders.

I’m  on my hands and knees now, crawling to the vent. As I approached it those words echoed in my mind, “You wascally wabbit! Come out of there before I blast you!” I could just see the wabbit escaping to the crawl space and me with the Fudd gun blasting away, bullets ricocheting under the house; bullet riddled plumbing hissing water, and Bugs saying “Eh! What’s up doc?” to me as the paramedics dragged my mortally wounded body out from under the house! The cartoon images subsided.   I began to tap on the pipe when I heard a shriek from the now unhooked dryer vent.  “I can see him! I can see him! She screamed, “He’s coming out! Yeeeeeah!”

“Close the door and put something over the hole till I can get there!”  I yelled.

I crawled out as fast as possible without bodily injury. The thought of the paramedics was fresh in my mind! I entered the utility room and closed the door. I wiggled my wide body down between the dryer and the wall. I removed the towel she had placed over the pipe to reveal the nose of my query protruding slightly. Bugs’ breathing was labored, very shallow, his nose was moving ever so slightly with every breath. His eyes were glazed with the look of fear. I maneuvered my hand around the back of his head away from the teeth and grasped him behind the jaw. As I pulled my other hand grabbed Him behind the ears by the scruff of the neck. He was damp with dryer vent moisture and bleach. His hair was matted and he looked exhausted. There wasn’t much fight left after his ordeal. I dried him off as best I could. After all, Elmer Fudd was going to get pictures of the triumph over Bugs.

After the Great Hunter had his photo op I placed Bugs over the fence and watched him hop away. I put the vent back together and went outside to stick a rag in the hole so Bugs wouldn’t get any more ideas! For some reason I again plopped on my belly to thoroughly scope out the rabbit hole vent.

I couldn’t believe my eyes! There he was again! The same bunny butt was staring me down again! Impossible! Elmer Fudd took over! My fists clenched, my arms stiffened, My eyes were  red veins popping out of white ping pong balls. I stalked back in the house in that slightly forward leaning posture that Elmer used when he had been totally bamboozled by Bugs! This was war! When I disturbed the spiders this time I was armed! I took a long plastic pipe and taped a sock to the end of it. A dirty sock! My dirty sock! Ha! Bugs,

“I’ll get you this time you wascally wabbit! I poked the pipe through the vent sock end first! Susie was positioned outside with a camera to capture the “ wabbit wamwad” at work!

As I poked the sock at the wabbit I suddenly saw in my mind Batman and Robin, as they were about to get the bad guys. SMACK! BAM! BIFF! SOCK! Get It SOCK! Oh, well. The wabbit wamwad worked. The Wascally wabbit plopped out of the hole and the second Bugs Bunny hopped away!

This time when I checked the rabbit hole was clear. I fixed the vent and tried to salvage the rest of my Super Bowl Sunday. I thought to myself as things settled back to normal, “HEY, ALL YOU ELMER FUDDS OUT THERE! WE WON ONE! HE! HE! HE! HE! HE! HE!”…………..

Dan Fulton

02-06-04